Hogwarts: with Hormones
by Kevin3
Summary: Did you know that 30% of HP stories on ff.net are Romance? Did you know that only 15% are Humor and 5% are Action/Adventure. Even 'General' only has 25%! I think this amazing fact deserves a parody. 5th in the series.


Ok… I've got a lot of requests for more parodies.  I had requests for Hermione/Snape, Draco/Ginny, Draco/Harry (slash), etc.  I also noticed that approximately 30% of the Harry Potter stories on ff.net are romance, which is more than any other category.  The closest is Humor, which has 15% (I'm not counting 'General', since they could be anything).  So I've decided to parody the whole concept of HP Romances, even though I posted my last one two days ago.  So here goes…

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.  Sadly, even the idea for Hermione and Severus to get together.  _Shudder_

**Hogwarts: with Hormones**

"I've got a special announcement," Dumbledore addressed during the start-of-year feast, "Not only do we have a replacement teacher for Defense Against the Dark Arts, but we have decided to add another new position as well."  The students all looked at Dumbledore, confused.

Dumbledore smiled and said, "But first, I think we should introduce the new dark arts professor:  Miss Delacour."  Ron and Harry whipped around, and saw as the fair-haired French woman stride up to the staff table.  Ron, Harry, and the majority of the guys within the hall openly gazed at her.

"Oh my," murmured Ron, "I think I'm going to like defense this year!"

Hermione looked a little angry, and hissed, "Oh, knock it off!  You two should know better than to go on looks alone!"

Dumbledore spoke up again.  "The new position," he addressed, "is that of Social Development.  The professor will not be teaching a class, but will act as a resource for anyone wishing to refine their most important practices of snogging.  May I introduce, or more accurately, re-introduce: Gilderoy Lockhart!"

Lockhart strode into Great Hall.  However, since he got his memory back, he appeared to be more on the dangerous side than 3 years ago.  Instead of pastel robes and perfect hair, he wore dark leather and had his hair unkempt – the effect was a lot like Bill Weasley's dragonskin boots and ponytail.  Harry looked over, and noticed that Hermione was gasping like a fish out of water.  "Well," he teased, "maybe you should know better than to go on looks alone!"

Hermione managed to tear her gaze away from the new professor and said, "Come on Harry!  You should know better than that.  I would never let a professor come between my love for Ron, Draco, and you.  Well, maybe Severus…"

Harry let out a sigh of relief.  For a minute there, he was afraid that Hermione wanted to turn their 5th year into some seamy love story.

"That's a relief!" Ron whispered, still gazing longingly into Fleur's eyes, "I mean, You-Know-Who just came back from the dead, and the last thing we need is a year where we spend most of our efforts on hormones."

"Anyway," Dumbledore loudly said, "I think we should probably just skip the feast and the sorting ceremony this year.  The sorting ceremony isn't going to be very important, since those 11 year olds aren't going to want to snog, unlike the natural snogging tendancies of 14 year olds.  And the feast would just delay the immense snogging which I am sure will commence as soon as this scene ends."  Dumbledore sat back down, and gazed at McGonagall.

 "Oh, Draco!" Ginny murmured, as the light haired boy entered the secluded classroom the two had been using in secret.  She then kidded, "I'm glad you could find the time for me."

Draco sighed, and then whispered, "It's hard, you know.  I mean, I have to balance Hermione, Pansy, Harry, and you and make time for each.  It's a good thing I only have class once a month, otherwise I'd never have enough time."

Ginny laid her head back on his chest and said, "You have class once a month?"

"Well, yeah," Draco responded, "I mean, during these sordid romance years, we're only in the classrooms so often, and it's usually so we can express our love in a different setting, with the professor getting angry at us."

"No, you misunderstand," Ginny cooed, "I never have class!"

"Oh, that's right!" Draco said, "You're in the year below us.  Do you even have a schedule?"

"Well, yeah, but just so we can look at it during the first couple of days and pretend."  Ginny then grinned at Draco and coyly asked, "So, are we going to start or not?"

Draco smiled as well, and the two began writhing around in each other's arms.  However, 15 minutes later, a small timer in Ginny's robes went 'DING'.

"Sorry," Ginny said, "It's time for Harry."

"You're lucky," Draco whined, "I don't have Potter until Thursday."

"Wow, Hermione," Ron exclaimed, "You look pretty worn down!"

Hermione slumped into a chair in the commons and said, "Yeah, I had Harry, Draco, Dean, Seamus, Neville, Severus already.  And later tonight I have to meet up with Lee."

"Yeah, you've got it rough," Ron empathized, taking in sight of her smooth luxurious hair, "One of the three main characters, and one of the few girls in the spotlight.  So, is there anyone that you don't have to go out with?"

Hermione appeared to wrack her brains, but before she could come up with someone, Ron asked, "How about Dumbledore?  Surely a fanfiction writer couldn't pair you up with him?"

"You'd think!" Hermione moaned, "But you wouldn't believe what's possible when an author decides to throw people into the past."

Ron shuddered.  "Well," Hermione wearily sighed, her sleek hair coming down around her shoulders, "we should probably get going.  Even with all of this going on, the authors still make me study, too."

"Harry?" Ginny asked, seeing the dark figure in yet another abandoned classroom.

"Close," hissed the man, and turned around.

"Wha.." Ginny stammered, "Tom… Tom Riddle?"

Indeed, the figure stepped out to reveal the young version of Voldemort.  Ginny grew terrified, but Tom said, "Don't worry, Ginny.  I'm not out to kill anyone this time.  It's just that all these romances are calling to me."

Ginny grew thoughtful, and finally said, "Ok.  We'll have to get you a schedule from Professor Lockhart."

"Harry, what are you doing here?" asked Hermione.

"Huh," asked Harry, "I thought at 8:00 I was supposed to be here."

Hermione, her nerves now shot by the unbelievable variety of guys she was dating, shot out, "NO!  CAN'T YOU READ A SCHEDULE!?"

Harry flinched, and Hermione began to sob into Harry's well defined chest, which had been made unbelievably muscular from constant quidditch practice and yard work at the Dursleys.  "It's ok, Hermione," Harry said softly.   Suddenly, he grew excited and said, "Wait!  I've got it!"

Hermione looked up at him, confused, and stammered, "What?"

"It's so simple," moaned Harry in exasperation, "I can't believe I didn't think of it before!  Listen, your problem is that there simply isn't enough time.  Like your third year…"

Hermione brightened up and shrieked, "You're right!  I could use a time turner!"  Hermione then quickly, yet passionately, kissed Harry, and ran off to talk to McGonagall.

"Hermione?" asked a new figure, which Harry recognized as Lee Jordan.

"Hi, Lee!" called Harry.

"This can't be right," studdered Lee, "Surely no one wrote a Lee-Harry pairing."

Harry shrugged and said, "Better not chance it."

"What?" cried Tom Riddle, looking at the long line of people that they were at the end of.

Ginny smiled and said, "Well, you've never seen Gilderoy before.  I can't wait until Friday…"

Tom glanced at her and complained, "That's no fair!  I want an attractive professor that I can go out with, too!"

Ginny smiled again and whispered, "Just wait until you meet Fleur.  She's part veela!"

"Ooooh," squealed Tom.

Suddenly, the line was disrupted by an irate looking Dumbledore.  "Everyone, we need to meet in the Great Hall.  Something dreadful has happened!"

Fifteen minutes later, everyone was in the Great Hall, wondering what the drastic announcement Dumbledore was hinting about.  Amazingly, there appeared to be 5 different Hermiones, each draped around a different guy's arm.

"Silence," the headmaster called, "we have a problem.  The author of this story has discovered a time machine."

"NNOOOOO!" cried several professors, already realizing what this meant.

Before anyone else could say anything, a large portal snapped into existence a few meters away from the entrance to the hall.  Dumbledore immediately ran over to it, as it began to glow a greenish-yellow hue.

"Hello!" came a voice, which struck Harry as familiar.  Suddenly, two heads were poking out of the portal, with Dumbledore desperately trying to shove them back in.

"IT'S SIRIUS AND REMUS!" shouted several estrogen packed 12 year olds, taking in the unbelievably good looks on the pair of marauders who had finally managed to get through the portal.

"NNOOOOO!" shouted Dumbledore, who ran from the hall.  Dumbledore realized that he was the last one in a castle doomed to bad romance stories.  "With the marauders here, we've lost all hope," panted Dumbledore, "The sheer amount of combinations possible…"

Dumbledore then turned to you (the reader).  "Save yourself," he commanded, "It's too late for me, but if you run from this computer as fast as you can, you might reach salvation.  HURRY!"

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Author's Note: As of my writing this, there are currently 15031 romance stories stored on fanfiction.net

Ok: I realize that I have by now insulted almost every single aspect of fanfiction.  So I expect to see some good flames, right?

The past winners:

**Nightmare on Mary Sue Street:**

Please Die

**But What About Ron:**

wow...that was...um, interesting. yeah, that's the word. interesting. seriously, (well not really, because i am not that serious) it was kind of lame, but of course you expect those kind of review so i will say (sarcastically, of course): It was wonderful! I have never read such an awesome piece of fanfiction! Ohmigosh...I mean, words can not describe the emotion I felt...ok. i think i am done now.

**Not Another James and Lily Fic:**

PLEASE BE SEVERELY TORTURED, HANGED AND THEN JUST BEFORE YOU DRAW YOUR LAST BREATH HAVE YOUR STOMACH CUT OPEN AND STUFFED WITH BURNING COALS!! AND DIE!  
So, how was that?  
Greay fic, by the way. I love it when people spoof the fics, it's the next best thing since they got rid of the MSTs *sniffs and curses the admins*

**Malfoy**** sings.  Voldemort Laments.  A tragic tale.**

Results not in yet.


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